何回泣かしたら気が済むんかなぁ，俺も．
「自分の中だけでなんとかなることは，
どうしようもなくは無い」
これは言い換えると，俺がいつも思ってる
楽しく生きていくための大前提，
「自分自身を完全に制御し切る」
と言うことになると思う．
自分自身，これはかなり出来てるなと思うわけ．
でも出来てない人もいっぱいいる．
出来ない人はいないと思ってる．
だから「出来るだろ」と思ってそれを言う．
でもそれが「出来ない」と言う人がいる．
結局は精神的な強さだと思う．
自分自身，かなり強いなと思うわけ．
でも強く無い人もいっぱいいる．
自分自身を制御し切れれば，
強くなろうと思うことは自分自身の中で完結してるから
強くなれないはずは無いと，思う．だからそう言う．
でも強くはなれないらしい．
トラウマ，と言うものがあるらしい．
過去に何かあったから，それに囚われて無意識に
行動してしまう，考えてしまう，そういうことだろうか．
どうなんだろうな．
自分には無いから，いや，確かにあったという事は覚えてる．
でも俺は合理的だから（強くあろうとしているから）
そういうことは忘れるようにしてるんだと思う．
「覚えてても仕方が無い，もったいない」
と思うから，そんな過去は忘れてしまうし，無視するんだろうな．
それが一番楽しく生きる方法だと思うから．
「自分と人とは違う」
そういう言い方がすごく嫌い．
同じ人間である以上，同じようになることは出来なくても
「同じように考える」ことは出来ると思う．
物理的に可能だと思うもの．
やればできる．それが自分の中に完結していることだとすれば．
いつか強くなればいいと思う．
でも「弱くていいよ」と言うことは俺には出来ない．
自分の周りの，自分が好きな人に対しては，
俺は俺が思う，一番いいと思える存在になって欲しいと思うもの．
強くなる事が幸せに楽しく生きていくために不可欠だと思うから．
強くなって欲しい．
ただ，ほんとにそう思う．
悪い方向に考え出すとキリがなくて
どんどん深みにはまってしまうことがある．
こうなったらなかなかそこから抜け出せないんよね．
まんとるの言葉を借りれば，
「俺は強い！」って思い込む事から始められたら
それだけでだいぶ変わると思う．
俺の体験からの話やから
方向が全然違う可能性大やけど，
万が一でも助けになれば．
ありがと．
また今度ゆっくり話しよ（笑）
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