自己嫌悪

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わくわくミーティング.
少しずつでも進んでるのでミーティング嫌!って事は無いのですけど.

先生のすごいところの1つは
「この子ここがわかってなさそう」
と言うのがすぐにわかっちゃうところだと思います.
俺は大丈夫大丈夫言うてるんですが,実は全然大丈夫じゃないと.
頂いた資料によって疑問がいっぱい解決しました.
ありがとうございます.
時間的に,もっと急がないと・・

早めに晩ご飯食べて夕方からバイト.


今日は諸事情により自転車(きりりに借りた)が手元に無いので,
学校まで往復徒歩,バイト先も徒歩で行きました.
歩き慣れた道なので考えに没頭できますね.

ストレスだの何だのと言ってますが,
結局のところ自己嫌悪.
自分勝手だし,矛盾してるなって.
今日はちゃんと反省しときたかった.
ごめん.


人は自分を映す鏡であると.
自分1人だけで理解出来る自分自身のことなんて
それほど多くは無いだろうな.
人と関わって,自分以外の何かと関わって,
その反応を見ることでようやく自分の事が分かってくる.
自分は1人で生きてるのではなくて,人と生きてるんだもんね.
自分1人で完結してる行動よりも,
他の人が関わってる行動の方がはるかに多い.
だから,映る,と言うのは当然なのかも.

今回の事,迷惑はかけたし反省もしてるけど,
自分自身の事が少しでも分かるようになっただけで
プラスにはなったと思う.
明日からまたいつものように(悪いとこは直して)生きていきたいな.

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