眠れない

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なんでだろう.
眠れません.

なんでだろう,って,理由は分かってるんだけどね.
そうそう,明日試験だもん.やっぱり気になるよ.
って違うよ.明日の院試なんてどうでもいいの.
だって,どうせ受かるのは分かってるんだから.
みんなね.周りもみんな受かるんだから.


自分自身に閉じてる事,
自分の中だけで完結してる事だと何にでもいくらでも
自信を持つ事が出来るのに,
自分以外の人が出て来た途端によく分からなくなってしまう.
人の事は100%理解出来はしない,と言う事を差し引いても
分からなさ過ぎだと思う.
だって,自分が何をして,何をしたいのかさえも分からないもの.

好きになるって事は,
何もかも全部分かって欲しくなるって事なのかなって思った.
Sちゃんに限ったことじゃないですよ.
家族や,ミキ秀やasutoや湯やnyや他の友達だってみんな好き.
だから分かって欲しいと思うもの.自分の事をね.
自分はこう考えてるよ,こう思ってるよ,って.
ただ,その分かって欲しいって思う度合いが違うだけ.
一番好きになったら,一番分かって欲しい.
気持ちが大きくなればなるほど,
分からないと言う事が分かってしまうのかも知れない.

それはまぁ置いとくとして,
自分は卑怯だなぁと思います.
都合の悪い事に触れないようにしてたら,分かりはしないよね.
俺はそもそも,分かってもらおうとはしてたけど,
自分から分かろうとしてるのかな.

今日はまた自己嫌悪に苛まれながら寝ます.
こんな最悪な気分でも,試験は出来ますよ.
そういう自信だけはなぜかあるのですね.

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