卒研発表の終わり

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ああ、終わったなぁ・・、そういう感じ。

ただ終わったんじゃなくて、
自分の納得いく形で終えられたから、これだけ充実してるのかも。


自分の発表が終わって、
わくちゃんや先生が褒めてくれた時、ほんとに嬉しかったんです。
もしかしたら、誰かに褒めて欲しいからやってるのかな、なんて。


人に認められることが、自分のアイデンティティーになってる気がします。
だから、ちゃんと認めてもらえなければ、
次こそは認めてもらえるように頑張ろうって思うもんね。
それはむしろ、認めさせてやる!っていう意地なのかも。

考えてみれば大学一つにしても、同い年の従兄弟が神戸、同い年の兄貴が京都、
じゃあ、おれ自身も負けないように頑張ろうっていう、ただの意地が根底にありました。
もちろん、同じクラスのあいつにだけは負けたくない、っていうのも大きかったんだけど(笑)。

意地なんて結局、自己満足の塊ですけどね。
ここまでのことが出来れば、自分ではちゃんと納得できる、
そんな線引きが前提にはいつもある気がします。

今回の発表で引いた自分の線は、
「一番大きな声で発表して、ちゃんと質問に答える」
っていうことだけでした。
賞はもらえなかったけど、
上田先生と松尾先生に褒めてもらえた内容から、
ちゃんと達成できたなってことが実感できました。


だからおれ自身、今すっごく満足してます。

また何かするたびに、自分でこうやって納得できたらいいなって心から思います。

懇親会、ほんと楽しかった。

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